Dear Creative Writers
December 04, 2006
Dear Creative Writers,
I finally took the time out of my extremely busy work schedule to review your documentation of survival guides for clients, and was absolutely riveted at the fast-paced accuracy of the advice contained therein. It amazes me beyond comprehension that we don't have more writers with honest points-of-view such as yourselves. Perhaps you should use your inspiration to create some new writing classes in colleges; or better yet, setting up official surveys to gather even more stunning information to include in your document.
I was particularly impressed with the comparison of the company to reality TV made on the front cover of the guide. Nothing smells more like Big Brother or The Osbournes than that spooky supervisor watching over your shoulder in the lab. Again, accuracy is everything. & there's nothing worse than that guy in the lab. He smells.
The rule of thumb was a superb piece of advice that I never had considered before. Imagine that - use of the thumb to know where you are based on the premise that one knows the difference between their face and their arse. It was as moving to me to read that as it was the day I found out the company had made its own MySpace page. That's what it's all about: ignore the standards dictated by venues of academic excellence; get right in that pop culture, take on the emo scene look, and kick them all in the balls to get their attention. Seriously, I admire that quality. Might I suggest though, that if you want to target the current emo scene and get them interested in college studies, that you should begin a non-stop regiment of listening to bands like Panic at the Disco? If that doesn't make you want to cut yourself quicker than an emo troglodyte, then I don't know what will. Embrace that culture! Screw the rules and standards embodied by fine institutions!
But seriously, who in their right mind suggested including the advice entitled "identify your goals and priorities"? Please. These are lower level peons we're talking about, not mature adults. It's not like you have to worry about patronizing them or anything. Let's get back to reality and embrace your gummy bear strategy, which, I may add, was an absolute stroke of genius. The strategy, of course, would also work with Jelly Belly jelly beans.
In all seriousness, I am proud that the company saw it fit to use essential resources, time, and money to construct a fine manuscript. This should be on the New York Times best-seller list. I wouldn't be surprised if you already have the finest publishers, such as Pink Flamingo Publishing, are already beating down your door.
I am sure everyone in the company will beam in pride at the professionalism you've displayed. It is a benchmark that we should all look up to.
One last thing: my advice to you would be to see if YOU can take an additional class in some college somewhere - specifically one pertaining to the art of sarcasm.
Regards,
A devoted reader
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